ronny

gay sauna

2011-12-06T01:14:00.000-08:00

one of the things on my list of Singapore agenda is to visit a gay sauna here - not sure why and not sure what's gonna happen.

hope it goes well. will report back.

Chapter 20: I stare at the hallway

2011-10-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

I always stare at the hallway.
At night, in the dark, I just stare towards that direction.

The end of the hallway is the doors of a cupboard,
inside the cupboard are the books that I bought but never read.

But next to the cupboards are doors to the toilet and a room,
and inside that room sleeps the person whom I love.

Sometimes I feel like a bird without legs,
I just keep flying, and flying, till eternity.
But when I stare at the hallway,
I found home,
Home.

Chapter 19: how dare you

2011-10-04T08:17:00.001-07:00

how dare you.
i don't want you to leave me,
how dare you asked me to help you leaving me?

Chapter 18: untitled yet

2011-10-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

My hand on the doorknob,
Wondering whether I should let you in.
But when you left, I realized,
you'd always been in here,
and you always will be,
the love of my life.

Chapter 17: Shen Yun v Hong Kong Immigration

2011-05-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

High Court - First Instance:

1. para14 mentions 'conventional public law grounds' - is it a procedural recognition of such grounds in Hong Kong?

2.

Chapter 16: if you've been reading my blog and think i'm a dork...

2011-05-16T05:16:00.001-07:00

welcome to the club!

Chapter 15: Bitches lunching

2011-05-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon an unstable time, Elijah, an blond English journalist came to Sydney to do a story on the overnight change of prime ministry of the former English colony. (Kevin - Julia)

He was walking downtown passing Downing center, when he realized another blond in a Prada suit has been checking out his packages. ... they met, Eli blew Roderigo in the toilet in Downing center. Roderigo came in Eli's mouth and left without looking back.

(Eli: Wait! What about me?
R: sorry, got to go, Eddie.
E: It's Elijah. (R is gone))

The next day, Roderigo is lunching at Thai Times 9.
Roderigo: I was just walking out of the court, and this cute guy blew me back to the court! Double score!

Michael, the food critics,
Dave, the Irish mathematician/IT technie, heavy drinker
Jason Chan, the Chinese student doing nothing, part-time cabin crew.

J: Em... , this Tom Yum Gong soup tastes like a pre-packaged solution? Why are we eating here?

D: Because our food critic friend hasn't done his job properly.

J: As opposed to that journalist guy yesterday!

R: Oh, yeah, he was a pro!

M: NO! It's quite the contrary, look at him... yum...

They turned their head to the kitchen, cute Thai waiter... Wait, there are two of them!

M: Yeah, they are twins, imaging that...

All of them closed their eyes. YUM...

Jason: How did you even know! You know I live literally across the road...

The other three blinked at him: YES we know! You freakin' dragged us here, bitch!

M: I ordered takeout here once, the food was horrible but the guy was cute, so I chatted him up and, look what i found out?

Jason: Whom, you found out...

Chapter 14: I love cocks, deal with it!

2011-05-15T10:05:00.001-07:00

And YES we kiss (present tense), deal with it, too!

Chapter 13: Long distance...

2010-08-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

Roderigo hasn't exactly established his 'relationship' with Kevin yet. But it's definitely long-distance.

The old sayings and the entire history of romance-fiction aren't on Roderigo's side. But he told himself the lie that every lover would tell themselves: my relationship will be different.

'Questions', is the one term that kept popping out in Roderigo's mind all day. He has a list of questions, or more like 'terms' that he wants to ask Kevin. Because, seriously, how does it work?

List of questions:
1. Are we allowed to sleep with other people? The answer to this on Roderigo's side is pretty clear - No. Although both of them are aware of Roderigo's slutty nature, Roderigo still decided to give it a try. But how about Kevin? Is he allowed to sleep with other people? Or more precisely, is he sleeping with other people?

2. Are we allowed to be involved with other steady relationships?

3. Are we allowed to date other people?

4. Are we allowed to fool around with other people? Should we draw a line? What's the scope?

5. More importantly, do you love me?

6. And most importantly, do I love him?

Chapter 12: Best of timing, worst of timing

2010-07-30T10:03:00.001-07:00

For Roderigo, yesterday was a combination of bizarreness and wonder. With a bit more cranberry juice in a martini glass, that can be called a 'Rosmopolitan'.

First a bit of background. Roderigo had been having a crush on who we'll call Kevin. Roderigo met Kevin in China and had terrific sex in Roderigo's mum's car. But it turned out to be sex between them. At least from Roderigo's side there was more.

So, back to yesterday. In Complex Analysis class, Roderigo was online, hoping that Kevin would show up. Somewhere between two non-Euclidean half planes and a torus, Kevin was there.

But the first thing Kevin said sent Roderigo straight to hell. He said he was dating someone. But immediately, Kevin said he didn't like the guy. Roderigo, somewhere between the torus and confusion, asked if Kevin would date him if he had been in China. Kevin replied with a 'kiss' signed. And that was the end of it.

If yesterday was a glass of 'Rosmopolitan', then last night was definitely written by Charles Dickens, because it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. Also, it was the best timing ever, and the worst timing ever!

So there was this guy, who we'll call Andy. Roderigo had been previously in love with Andy for about 2 years, back in high school. But Andy wasn't gay, or at least Roderigo didn't think he was. So he had been trying to forget about Andy. Andy asked Roderigo to see the movie INCEPTION, as friends. And in return, Roderigo suggested them have dinner at Rod's before the movie. And that's what they did.

The movie was at 9.30pm, because as a picky and pretentious person, Andy insisted upon going to the IMAX theater. But dinner was at 6. So at around 6.30pm, they were looking at each other in the eyes in Rod's apartment, not knowing exactly what to do. Luckily, with alcoholism, the term 'boredom' never came into their minds. And before they knew it, they were fooling around with each other.

When Roderigo was getting his nipples licked, he kept thinking about Kevin. He was wondering if he was cheating on Andy with Kevin, or cheating on Kevin with Andy. But wait, at that point he couldn't have been cheating on Kevin because their relationship hadn't been established yet. So anyway, as rational as Roderigo tried to be, alcohol with sexual sensation broke him in. He kept yelling to Andy, the phrase he had been yelling to Kevin in Rod's mum's car in China. Roderigo was begging.

Surprisingly, it didn't seem like a new concept to Andy when he asked for a condom, which admittedly broke Rod's heart a little. Now, if they actually went through with it, it would've been a moment of dream coming true for Roderigo. Only, at that moment, that dream had died.

And there came the best thing that ever happened to Roderigo: Andy couldn't get it up! It seemed like Andy wasn't that experienced after all!

And so, when a guy you've been trying to forget couldn't get it up, you stop trying. You just do. And so did Roderigo. The sexual orientation or the selfishness might be forgivable. But being bad in bed was definitely a deal breaker. Roderigo was so sure that the reason Andy couldn't get it up was not Roderigo himself, because of so many previous validations he had! With that thought, Rod felt asleep with a smile.

Rod felt asleep with the alcohol and when he woke up, it was after midnight already. He realized no one could care less about the movie!

There still needs an explanation as to why Andy's failure was the best thing, besides the sense of revenge and relief. After a quick shower, Rod got online and found Kevin. He wanted to tell Kevin to move to Sydney and marry him, of course. But he couldn't because that would make him seem desperate and weird. He knew he had to play the relationship game. So Roderigo asked Kevin if they could go out when Rod returns to China. And Kevin said yes, and asked Rod to stop sleeping around.

That was, actually the best thing that had ever happened to Roderigo. He finally found someone who he'd be willing to give up the sex. From that moment on, no more pressure to find dicks in bars! Because there's a big and hard one waiting for him in China! Roderigo couldn't be happier.

A further note about Andy: he loves getting blowjobs (who doesn't?). But he refused to reciprocate when Rod used to blow him every night. But the most wonderful thing was, after Rod got offline and returned to bed, Andy tried to take Rod's pants off again! And within minutes, they were both naked again.

Roderigo was, at one point, wondering whether Andy's behavior was just an attempt to trick Rod into blowing him again. But he was wrong, well, at least it appeared that he was wrong. Andy, directing his sweet tongue downwards from the nipples, grabbed Rod's dick and tried to lick it. Rod pushed him away. That was the most heartbreaking but wonderful moment in Rod's life! Too little, too late, Andy!

Rod explained to Andy that he had just made a promise. He told Andy that it was just too late for Andy to blow him now. If it had been an hour earlier, he would've let it happen. But now, he wouldn't, and he didn't want to.

Andy was confused. He asked Roderigo to whom did he make the promise. Roderigo wanted to shout out the term 'boyfriend', but only for Kevin might disagree if he should ever find out. So he just said 'someone in China'. And apparently that was sufficient to shut Andy up.

Andy ended up jerking Roderigo off.

Chapter 11: Duet

2009-11-28T19:37:00.000-08:00

Oscar, Leo(+Bobby)
29 Nov/317/35

Chapter 10: Mr. Nice

2009-11-27T07:50:00.001-08:00

Andy
27 Nov/319/37

Chapter 9: Macau Blowjob

2009-11-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

26 Nov/320/38

Chapter 8: Threesome

2009-11-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

18 Nov/328/39

Chapter 7: Am I pathetic?

2009-11-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

I'm lonely.
This column sucks. No on reads it. (No offense, "Dom")
Nobody cares about me.

Sex doesn't mean anything.
I give great head because I had to give head to get attention.

Guy No. 9: Miles, town-planner. For some bizarre reasons I assumed that his intention of meeting me was to give me a blowjob. And that's why

Anyway, 339 days left, 41 more men to do, pathetically.

Chapter 6: You Peng Zi Yuan Fang Lai

2009-11-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a non-sexual week since my birthday on Tuesday. I thought I would study more for the upcoming final exams next week, but as usual, the week hasn't been productive either, with a dinner here, a party there, so on and so forth.

On the other hand, I've been expecting a "peng" (friend) from Queensland that I met online. And finally, Confucius said,"You Peng Zi Yuan Fang Lai" (A friend came from faraway).

Guy No. 8: Leon, 27-year-old, Cairns-based cleaner. He looked older than 27, probably because of the sun in Queensland - the Queen wasn't that nice after all. I went to his hotel room. We had dinner at an Italian restaurant, and we sat and talked in the Colombian on Oxford St. He told me that he went traveling all over the world all the time. Blah blah blah. Finally I convinced him to get a bottle of lubricant and we went back to his room. Next minute his tongue was in my throat, and the next morning his tongue was all over my dick!

So, 342 days left, 42 more men to do!

Happy Birthday to me

2009-11-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, today is my birthday. I'm biologically 20-year-old. My birthday wish is to bed as many men as possible. Simple!

Daphne certainly came first. I thought she might be the first to wish me happy birthday. So, thanks, Daph!

Sheng was, surprisingly, second. It was probably because I called and wished him happy birthday the day before - yes, his birthday is one day before mine - that he could remember. Anyhow, Sheng, thanks! And by the way, Sheng called me with Ray's phone, and Ray sang me the happy birthday song. So, nice singing and thank you, Ray!!

I know it's politically incorrect to say this, but those who I really want to hear from haven't called. Not one of them. My heart is aching a little. I once swore that I was gonna get over those people and stop caring their opinions, but I guess I'm still trying, trying hard. (Written at 1 A.M. Sydney time)

Ok. The previous paragraph needs to be modified. At midnight Beijing time, a close friend of mine sent me a message online! Thanks Qian! I hope everything goes well (though I'm not sure he'll be able to see this post).

Expecting more wishes, but really looking forward to my plan with a dear friend of mine, who we'll call Dominic. Dominic has been a really supporting friend and got me thought lots of hard times. Appreciate it, Dom!

So, Happy Birthday to me!

Chapter 5: Prince Charming

2009-10-31T08:03:00.001-07:00

Saturday night, Halloween. I went on a date with Ross. I somehow thought he was going to be a 30-year-old Aussie with firm muscles all over - instead, he turned out to be an ugly Asian with a big mole on his face. We walked to the luna park, with me pretending to be interested in the conversation. At the beginning I planned to text my friend and ask him to call me and tell me something bad happened so I could have an excuse to leave. But at the end, I went straight to Ross and told him the impossibility of sex between us. Of course he didn't like it, but I figured, despite his ugliness, he deserved to know the truth!

So, see'ya, Mole. What a Halloween night!

And the next day, a sharp noise from my cell phone woke me up. Apparently that was the 5th text message for the day, and they were all "booty-messages". That meant I got to choose. I was never a person who judges a book by its cover - OK, I lied. I've always been a person who judges a book by its cover. But this time, I decided to take a different approach - judging a man by the text message he had sent me. Isn't this being done all the time by the girls, that every single word and punctuation of a letter or a text message is psychoanalyzed so that the "true thoughts", which usually are "I want to get laid", in men's heads can be revealed??

So, which one should I choose: Hotel millionaire who was leaving for Thailand in 5 days? Or the 25-year-old architect/surfer with firm 6-pack?...

Wait, that one: "Gosh you're so sexy!" Hmmm...I guess I had to agree with that! And so I ran along Cleveland St to Surry Hills. But the closer I got, the more ticklish I felt in my stomach...."What if he doesn't like me?""What if he thinks I look different from my profile picture?". When he opened the door my heart was pounding so hard that I was almost bursting...

Guy No. 7: Paul, 32-year-old learning designer for a well reputed insurance company. Held 3 bachelor degrees and a diploma, including a bachelor of law. Used to be working in London but recently moved back. But I swear my heart did burst out, for a different reason - he was SOOOOO cute! How could someone so cute think I was sexy! And yes, he kept saying it when I was in his apartment. He kept saying it when we were kissing. And he kept saying it when we were cuddling...

And, here it goes: 348 days left, 43 men to do!

By the way, a publisher friend of mine who is supposed to be planning a big holiday together, and who will probably flying to Asia with me in less than a month, caught up at work and hasn't returned any of my phone calls for a week. I think he might be dead.

Chapter 4: Threesome? That's so 80's!

2009-10-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought it was another wasted lazy Friday, James, the American millionaire I once fucked in his sauna room, called and suggested a 4-some. Of course, I jumped at it!

I had never had a 3-some before, and now I was about to have a 4-some! I was so excited! Before I know it, I arrived at Frank's apartment in Rockdale.

Guy No. 4: Frank, owns amazing apartment by heritage. He used to work for Qantas as flight attendance. But now he's retired. His apartment has an amazing view at night. Especially overlooking the airport makes it seems like New Year's Eve every night.
Anyway, just when I thought we were still waiting the 18-year-old to show up, James and Frank were already feeling me up. We kissed. I got undressed, and Frank got down to his knees and began to blow me. Then James blindfolded me. Wow, it looked like tonight really was going to be a dream come true. Slutty as I was, I surely wouldn't stopped that. I asked them to tie me up - apparently they were surprised too - but of course they did it. So before long, I was bended over and someone was fucking me hard, with me blindfolded and tied-up!

Guy No. 5: Adrian, 18-year-old, gorgeous young man. When he came in, my blindfold was removed - because it had been planed for him. So instead, I asked for a tie to blindfold me - even more interesting. Then we were taken into Frank's bedroom and fucked non-stop for 3 hours. When I was blowing Adrian, I gladly discovered that he might've not been a shower, but he was definitely a grower! His penis felt so small like a little boy's, but as multifunctional tongue kept licking the head, it grow so big and hard!
What a delicious boy! I'd kill to be his girlfriend. And FYI, he did have a girlfriend!

So, when I decided to call it a night, James was still having fun with Adrian. I don't blame him, really, because who can let him out of sight! Amazingly, on my way home, a random internet hook-up who had once stood me up, called. So I walked along Oxford St and finally found his place.

Guy No. 6: Nicholas, internal service assistant with Macquarie Bank. He is sooooo cute! That explained why I chose to hook up with him once. And my penis forgot the fact that I had had too many organsm for the night, and started to sail up. Unfortunately this Nicholas dude did have a slight problem - he liked to push when I was blowing him, which resulted in a reduction of my service. Other than that, he was so fuckable!

So, 351 days left, 44 men to do!

So Long, Michael

2009-10-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

I never felt so close to his death than tonight - when I was watching This Is It. I guess, this really is it. Goodbye Michael.
And I discovered that some issues I had with my previous friends transferred to my current friendships. That'd officially made them my problems.

Devastated

2009-10-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm totally devastated.
Just when I thought love finally came, I was totally destroyed.
I had a crush on him even before I found out his orientation. I built an entire future in my head but he just ruined it from the ground floor.

Chapter 3: Back on track

2009-10-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

By my calculation, I'm progressing too slowly in my plan. Luckily, I found my way back on track on GayDar!

Guy No. 3: Claude, lives in the north. He has a nice bathroom. Really amazing bathroom. He was, in some way, cocky. He thought his penis was big. But to be honest, it was not that big. Maybe above average, but I wouldn't describe that as "extra large". He liked to get blowjobs (like most people). And he is a nurse Working in boarding school - I always fantasize him fucking those teenage boys at school. And I liked his big Foxtel TV.
One more thing, he loved to explore different positions, and I, enjoyed that very very much!!

And so, 355 days left, 47 men to do!

Chapter 2: A big job

2009-10-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to see Julie and Julia - Meryl Streep was such a French bitch! I got inspired by Julie. I can really use some goals in my life, at least for blogging purpose. And, so, what should I do? I should do what I enjoy the most, of course. And what's that? Ahah, I'm a 19-year-old, what do you think that is?

So, my big plan is: By October 18, 2010, I want to sleep with 50 different men. Those whom I already fucked don't count, if that's what you're wondering. As soon as I made this decision, I realized that I have solved the biggest mystery of all: the meaning of life! For months I had been previously suffering lacking a meaning of life! And now I've found it and I certainly LOVE this meaning of life!

Maybe, as a scientist, I should also define what's "sleep with". This is a tricky one. I think I'll just take the "common law" approach - don't deal with it until a case is brought before the court. But some basic inclusion is obvious: blowjob, anal, orgasm, etc.

So, 50 men in a year, is this pathetic?? Maybe for some people 50 is just the quota for a month. Considering that I'm new to the gay scene, and new to the Sydney nightlife, I think 50 will be pretty reasonable. OK, 50 it is. There are around 52 weeks in a year, therefore it's slightly less than one new penis that I'll have to find per week - it seems quite easy. But the thing is, I'll spend more than 3 months in China after the semester, and China is like a freaking fuck-free zone for me, so I'll have to speed up!

With that thought in mind, I reluctantly moved my week through law school and advanced math classes. It's amazing how a mere mental establishment of plan can lead to the ignorance of all the lousiness in life! I didn't get 100% in a math quiz - don't care. I hardly passed my law assignment - don't care. All I cared about, was how to find a dick.

Saturday morning, woke up at 10A.M.. Too lazy to get up and pee, I held it for an hour in bed with a random book that I had been reading - Five people You Meet in Heaven. Wow, heaven, such an awesome place, I'll never make it there, that's for sure because God is such a homophobic prick. So I may as well just read about it...

OK, seriously, I don't believe in heaven. Maybe I am in heaven now, if I can successfully get laid. Who really cares about heaven, if they can get an orgasm? Anyway, it then came to about time when I had to meet my former high school English teacher for an afternoon tea. Her daughter, who worked for the Prime Minister of Australia, agreed to meet me and discuss philosophy. It was a fun afternoon-tea/lunch. I really liked her daughter and had really enjoyed myself. I finally found someone similar to myself, who doesn't believe in anything and bitches around.

At 4pm Saturday, we said goodbye. But all I could think of is that I had to finish my quota for the week. And I was on Sussex Street in the city of Sydney, how convenient! I was kind of sad and disappointed, really, because I thought sauna house would be my last resource for sex. But I was right there, in the first week of my big plan, having to go to a sauna house to have sex. So I wandered around 357 for a while, and finally, I entered.

So, this is the legendary 357! It's less scary than I thought! But when I finally got undressed and wandered around, I couldn't find anyone. It was a Saturday afternoon and it was supposed to be packed by hundreds of cute and young guys. Instead, only old or ugly Asian men were there and it made me think I was one of them. At some point I got so frustrated that I actually sat down and stared at the wall. Luckily, I finally got a good fuck on Level 3.

Guy No.1: Luke, warehouse manager. Big dick. He gave me an amazing blowjob and he fucked my brain out. So basically I just lied there and let him service me. I could really get used to this!

Then, after the good sex, I decided a relaxing steam can be refreshing. And just when I put down my expectation and sat down to enjoy the steam, a young man started to feel me up.

Guy No.2: Karl, ridiculously handsome. He was one of those young and attractive boys who were always playing hard-to-catch on the first floor. They were really the players of 357. And to be felt up by one of them was flattering. So I suggested get a room upstairs. In that room I was able to see how unbelievably attractive he was! There's one thing, that was weird about him, was that he didn't want to come! He said he wanted to save it for later. A young man like him (and myself) can easily come 3 times in an hour, can't we?? But he was too good-looking to be questioned, so I had to let him go.

That night I went to the Haymarket hotel for dinner - because I was officially broke and had to eat those $9 steak. But I spotted Andy the bartender. The minute that saw him, my heart stopped. CUTE!!!!! It'd be so nice if he could be Guy No.3!!

And so, 358 days left, 48 men to do!

Chapter 1: live for love

2009-10-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

On a regular Saturday morning,... oh, wait, should I call 3pm "morning"? I meant I just left bed and made an omelet/scrambled-egg mixture. I guess God will forgive me on this one. Besides, it was still "morning" in other parts of Asia.

Anyway, at Saturday 3pm, when I was just thinking about getting more mushrooms, I got a text message. It was James. I had never met him in person but I knew he liked bike-riding - after all, who needs a first date with a martini if you have the Internet. Apparently I got an invitation to his apartment right next to the Sydney Opera House! Wow, this guy must be rich.

So I took a bus and dragged my lazy Asian ass to the circular quay. We met - he was OK looking, at least for a business consultant. He took me to his apartment with a stunning view of the Sydney Harbor. But all I could think of his to get his dick in my ass so I could have the multiple orgasm that I hadn't had in weeks!

After too many lifts, we were down in the 800th floor underground in his building. Seriously, it was deep enough to reach hell. However, hell wouldn't look this good - is that a pool?! And yet I used to think the pool in the Palazzo Versace was nice! But this was even nicer!

Only after half a lap in the pool, my 19-year-old penis couldn't wait any longer. So I started to hit:

"Hey James, I have a fantasy."
He looked at me, confused.
"I want to blow you underwater... they don't have underwater cameras here, do they?"
And he smiled. It worked.

So, long story short, we fucked. In his sauna room, to be exact.

After the public sex, and two more laps in the pool, we headed back to his apartment above ground. In his room, the Sydney Harbor Bridge couldn't have looked better. Now with my pipe cleaned, how nice would it be if we could just lay there, cuddle, and stare at the sunshine reflected by the Pacific. However, I knew that the perfect time to cuddle might just be the perfect time to leave. Because, what did we really have in common? He was a multimillionaire with fancy computers in his room right next to the Opera House. And I was just a college student. Where could this possibly go?

Why does it always have to be this way? After the hot physical act of love, why does love never comes along?

The next day, with that thought, I decided that I was just tortured enough to start a blog. This blog. I have previously tried to commit to a few blogs - never worked out. I couldn't help but wonder: Can I ever be, as good as, Carrie Bradshaw? This thought almost got me stop writing. But it was not until I was watching a video of two lesbian dolphins having fun did I realize: I should totally do something.

So, here I am, fabulously single.

Tips for Final Destination 4 (3D)

2009-10-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

1. Sit at the front - unless you have a heart condition. It'll be a complete waste of money if you're not horrified by a horror movie. Sitting at the front forces the whole silver screen into your whole sight and gives a stronger and more direct 3D effect of the movie. Just watch out for the champagne cork.

2. Avoid (if you can) sitting next to the girls. Female, in general, make a lot of noise. The volume of the screaming from the girls measures the success of a horror movie. Unfortunately, this one definitely wins. So, if you can't control who you sit close to, bring a pair of earplug.

3. If you're a bottom, close your eyes after the girl in the carwash is saved, because the guy underwater is going to die. Just close them and don't ask why.

4. Before the movie, avoid eating. Of course, if you have an eating-disorder, this might actually work for your advantage! Just make sure you are familiar with the way to the bathroom before the movie.

5. Similarly, avoid meal time if you want to put on weight. Or cancel any dinner plans afterward if you actually want to eat something. If you still don't understand, try to imagine a fresh human liver in your dish.

6. The story sucks. The visual effect is awesome, but the story sucks. If you have seen the first 3 versions of Final Destination, you'll probably be able to guess what's going to happen. So please don't make a fool of yourself by whispering "I know what's gonna happen!" to your friends.

7. Leave the theater before it explodes!! If you do so, then reading this post may have just saved your life!

杜丽、朱启南都是英雄！Gold Isn't Everything!

2008-08-13T06:38:00.001-07:00

杜丽、朱启南都是英雄！

无论拿不拿到金牌，我相信中国人都会为杜丽，为朱启南喝彩。我相信中国人都会为在奥运会上努力拼搏的运动员们喝彩。杜丽、朱启南的眼泪让人感到心疼，心疼我们的英雄。但其实，你们没有必要哭，因为中国人永远爱你们！！

Whether you managed to get a gold or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we all love you. We are all proud of you!!

Double Bachelor Degrees 双学士学位

2008-06-11T01:20:00.001-07:00

Double Bachelor Degrees 双学士学位

200806092314.txt
Sydney, Australia

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

----------English-----------

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.

3.5 Double Bachelor Degrees

1) General Information: Double bachelor degrees are also acknowledging exelling undergraduate results. It's equivalent to studying two majors but takes one year shorter than taking two separate undergraduate course as it avoids some repetitions of study such as computer skills and math. It requires a lot of hard work but also gives much more advantages than a single degree in future employment. And of course it cost a lot more than a single degree.

2) How can you get into this degree:
* HSC: you'll need an extremely high UAI
* after a diploma
* a bachelor degree: If you're doing very well and you would like to pick up an extra course
* a bachelor honor degree: same as above

3) Where this degree can be leading you:
* a master degree
* a doctor degree

4) Duration: 4-5 years

Note: References only.

----------English-----------

----------Chinese-----------

指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

3.5 双学士学位

1) 背景资料：双学士学位同样是对本科突出成绩的认可。双学位的知识量相当于学两本主修课，不过由于同时修可以避免一些重复的课程（例如数学、电脑），所以双学位比分开学两个本科课程少一年。学双学位很辛苦但同时也给后来的就业带来学多好处。当然，双学位的学费比单学位要贵很多。

2) 如何拿到学位：
* 高考：成绩得极端好
* 职高之后
* 学士学位：假如你非常优秀而且愿意多学一门课
* 荣誉学士学位：同上

3) 拿到这个学位你可以去：
* 硕士学位
* 博士学位

4) 时长：4到5年

注意：仅供参考

----------Chinese-----------

Bachelor Honor Degree 荣誉学士学位

2008-06-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

Bachelor Honor Degree 荣誉学士学位

200806092253.txt
Sydney, Australia

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

----------English-----------

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.

3.4 Bachelor Honor Degree

1) General Information: A bachelor honor degree is an acknowledgement of your great sucess in your undergraduate course. It requires a more difficult course than that of a normal bachelor degree. It gives more advantages than a normal bachelor degree in future employments.

2) How can you get into this degree:
* HSC: You'll need a very high UAI
* after diploma
* a bachelor degree: if you're doing very well in your bachelor degree you may apply for the honor degree if you think you're capable of doing something more difficult.

3) Where this degree can be leading you:
* Double bachelor degrees: You may as well consider picking up an extra course
* a master degree
* a doctor degree

4) Duration: 3-4 years

Note: References only.

----------English-----------

----------Chinese-----------

指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

3.4 荣誉学士学位

1) 背景资料：荣誉学士学位是对本科阶段突出成绩的一种认可。荣誉学位通常要求一些比普通学位更加困难的课程。不过荣誉学位可能比普通学位更好找工作。

2) 如何拿到学位：
* 高考：成绩必须非常好
* 职高毕业后
* 学士学位：假如本科阶段的成绩非常突出，而且有能力学习一些更加困难的知识，那么就可以申请荣誉学位。

3) 拿到这个学位你可以去：
* 双学士学位：可以考虑再加一门课程
* 硕士学位
* 博士学位

4) 时长：3到4年

注意：仅供参考

----------Chinese-----------

bachelor degree 学士学位

2008-06-09T05:45:00.001-07:00

bachelor degree 学士学位

200806092118.txt
Sydney, Australia

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.

3.3 Bachelor Degree

1) General Information: A Bachelor degree is the first degree that a university can give. It's an undergraduate degree which certifies your completion of university.

2) How can you get into this degree:
* After HSC, provided that your UAI is enough for certain courses
* After a diploma

3) Where this degree can be leading you:
* a bachelor honor degree, if you are doing very well in your course
* double bachelor degrees, provided that you are doing well and you would like to pick up some an extra course
* a master degree
* a docter degree

4) Duration: 3-4 years

Note: References only.

指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

3.2 学士学位

1) 背景资料：学士学位是大学能授予的第一个学位。学士是一种本科学位，它代表你大学毕业了。

2) 如何拿到学位：
* 高考：你的成绩得达到一定的要求
* 职高毕业之后

3) 拿到这个学位你可以去：
* 荣誉学士学位：假如你的本科成绩非常好
* 双学士学位：假如你的成绩非常好而且你愿意多学一门课
* 硕士学位
* 博士学位

4) 时长：3到4年

注意：仅供参考

Exams

2008-06-07T05:49:00.001-07:00

Exams

All my friends in China have started the end of their schoolling - the Uni-entrance exams. It is always said that life can't be complete without the uni-entrance exams. Well, if this is true, then my life is meant-to-be incomplete.
Back to China, I was entitled to get in basically whatever universities I wanted to without the exams. Or I could choose to get some (a quite attractive amount of) extra marks in my final results for the uni-entrance exams. Those were due to my achievement in some competitions. Hence I wasn't really going to take the exams if I were in China.
And now, the reality is, I can't even take the exams since I came abroad. It's funny to say "came" abroad but yes, I am now away from China. There's just no point that I would take the exams.
So, good luck everybody. I'm faraway but my best wish is always with you!!

back to Mac!!

2008-06-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't used a Mac to blog for such a long time. Well, this Mac, technically isn't mine, but financially I'm responsible (hope you understand). It feels so good to go back to Mac for every now and then.
Talking about this Mac, I recalled a period of my life which I'm truly regretful for. Well, it seems that I'm still in this period. I think it's been a right decision to come to Australia but I should never have met some people that are now annoying me a lot. It's been a wonderful journey, but also with many, many ,many sorrows.
I truly regret to have done something, especially to myself. e.g. going to somewhere for a holiday where I didn't really enjoy, well actually hated. and moving to a house with somebody demanding....

diploma 职高学位

2008-05-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

diploma 职高学位

200805311436.txt
Sydney, Australia

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.

3.2 Diploma

1) General Information: A diploma is something that says you have mastered certain skills, such as cooking, hairdressing etc.

2) How can you get into this degree:
* a TAFE
* a private college
* before or after HSC
* before or after undergraduate career

3) Where this degree can be leading you:
* a bachelor degree
* a bachelor honored degree
* double bachelor degrees
* a master degree

4) Duration: 1 year

Note: References only.

指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

3.2 职高学位

1) 背景资料：这个学位证明你已经掌握了一定能力，例如烹饪、美发等等

2) 如何拿到学位：
* 一个职业学校
* 一个私立学院
* 高考前或高考后
* 本科毕业前或本科毕业后

3) 拿到这个学位你可以去：
* 学士学位
* 荣誉学士学位
* 双学士学位
* 硕士学位

4) 时长：1年

注意：仅供参考

HSC 高中文凭

2008-05-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

HSC 高中文凭

200805292128.txt
Sydney, Australia

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC.

A degree is a kind of academic qualification that may benefit you for your future. We'll have a look at different degrees.

3.1 HSC

1) General Information: HSC, or Higher School Certificate, is the certificate saying that you have complete the sencondary school.

2) How can you get into this degree: Get into a high school (of course)

3) Where this degree can be leading you:
* diploma
* A bachelor Degree
* A bachelor honor Degree - if you get a high UAI
* Double Bachelor Degree - if you get a very high UAI

4) Duration: 12 Years (Junior, Middle and Senior schools)

Note: References only.

指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

文凭（学位）是一种社会对学术的认可，它可能对你的前途很有帮助。我们将会探索不同的文凭

3.1 高中文凭

1) 背景资料：高中文凭，顾名思义就是证明你高中毕业了的文凭。

2) 如何拿到学位：当然是去读高中啊！！

3) 拿到这个学位你可以去：
* 职高学位
* 本科学位
* 本科荣誉学位——假如你的高考成绩够好
* 本科双学位——高考成绩得非常好

4) 时长：12年（小学，初中，高中）

注意：仅供参考

Uni application 大学申请

2008-05-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Uni application 大学申请

Advice from career advisor for NSW HSC. 指导老师关于澳洲新州高考的建议。

200805282112.txt
Sydney, Australia

2. Uni application
If you've manage to get an offer and you choose to defer, you must remember to put your preferences back on the UAC website in September next year. Otherwise you lose your position. If you put down the same preferences as your HSC year, then you'll definitely get your offer. But if you put down something else, then you'll have to complete with all students from that year again.
Some universities provide assistance with accomodation, and you'll need to apply for them when course preferences are selected, around Sept 30. With a deferral, you should also cancel your application of accomodation and the next year when you're putting back your preferences, you can reapply for accomodation.
If you may consider about deferral and you're applying for a scholarship, you should read the conditions on the application form really carefully because some scholarship may not be given to a deferred student.
On those information booklets, "a semester" means "half a year".

Note: References only.

2. 大学申请
假如你被录取了但你选择推迟入学，则千万记住在第二年9月份时到UAC的网站上重新填志愿。否则你的录取就被取消了。假如你重新填的志愿和你考HSC那年是一样的，那么你一定能被录取。但假如你的志愿有改动，那么你就必须重新和该年的考生竞争。
有些大学会提供住宿方面的帮助，你必须在大概9月30号填志愿的时候就申请协助。假如后来你推迟入学了，那么你得取消你的申请，然后在第二年重新申请。
假如你正在考虑推迟入学，而且你又在考虑奖学金的话，那么一定好认真阅读奖学金申请表上的信息。有些奖学金可能不颁发给那些推迟入学的人。
一个学期（semester）通常指半年。

注：仅供参考

Course Preferences 志愿

2008-05-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Advice from career advisor

200805272109.txt
Sydney, Australia

Today I had a talk with the career advisor in our school, Mrs. L. She is really nice and has given me lots of valuable suggestion and information. Here is the summary about course preferences.

Course Preferences (NSW HSC)
We start to select our course preferences on Sept 30, but we can change them up till Jan 7, which is right before offers are released. UAIs will have been released in early December, therefore it would be fine to re-select preferences after knowing your UAI. We'll select 9 courses as our preferences, in a certain order. When selecting preferences, it's crucial to put the one of your best interest as the first one, otherwise a very high UAI may lead you to a course that you don't really enjoy.
If unfortunately your UAI is lower than your 1st preference but is higher than your 2nd preference, then you'll definitely get your 2nd preference. If your UAI is lower than your 1st and 2nd preference but is higher than your 3rd one, then you'll defintiely get your 3rd preference. And so on. That's your 1st round offer.
If you're not happy about your 1st round offer, there's a second chance! If certain course is not full and you're interested in that course, you may change your preference and hopefully you will get that offer. Between the 1st round and 2nd round offering, it's good to keep phoning the university and tell them that you're interested.

Note: reference only

今天我和我们学校的指导老师谈了一节课，得到了不少宝贵意见，以下是关于志愿填报方面的总结。

志愿（澳洲新州高考）

我们可以从9月30号开始填志愿，但知道录取通知的前一天——1月7号，我们都可以改志愿。高考成绩会在12月上旬放榜，也就是说我们完全可以在知道成绩之后改变志愿。志愿按顺序一共有9个（相同大学不同专业算不同的志愿），当填报志愿的时候，应当以兴趣为主。否则假如你的成绩很高，反而可能把你送进一个你并不喜欢的专业。
假如你的成绩没有达到你的第一志愿，但达到了你的第二志愿，那么你肯定可以拿到第二志愿的录取。假如你的成绩没有达到你的前两个志愿，但达到了你的第三志愿，那么你肯定可以拿到第三志愿的录取。以此类推。这是第一轮录取。
假如你对第一轮录取的结果不满意，还有第二轮录取：某些课程可能没有招满，这时你就可以改变志愿，然后希望你能拿到满意的第二轮录取。在第一、二轮录取的中间，其实最好多打打电话到大学那边，告诉他们你非常想读该专业，可能他们会“格外开恩”。

注意：仅供参考

Loneliness

2008-05-24T06:13:00.000-07:00

The only thing worse than being alone and lonely is not being alone but still lonely. But anyway, I haven't expected anything from this house right at the beginning. So, I should've thought about this situation before. Truly regret moving in here. It's like I'm stucked here, like a traffic jam of life.

唯一比一个人寂寞还寂寞的是两个人一起寂寞。还好我一开始就没有什么期待，所以这种情况也并不出乎意料。只是很后悔为什么要搬过来，就好像生命在这里堵车了一样。

A Great Day

2008-05-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

200805041815.txt

Sydney

I went out to the library today to be with somebody less depressing. In fact, not depressing at all. I could just laugh loudly and make jokes on someone who can accept certain degree of humor. Also, I got the appreciation after helping someone. In short, I had a great day today!!

今天和某些不那么郁闷的人去图书馆学习。事实上，不是“不那么郁闷”，而是根本一点都不郁闷。我可以尽情地大笑，尽情地开玩笑，因为那些人不会因为一些小事就和我绝交。而且我也在一次感受到了帮助别人的乐趣因为那些受到帮助的人十分感激我。今天真是美好的一天！！

sharing a room with someone

2008-01-27T05:38:00.000-08:00

It seems that I need to go to Starbucks a lot more often because I've just gotten into a new acccomadation with a room sharing with someone. It's different from the experience of living in a dorm room because dormmates don't know each other at the beginning so people live repectfully and carefully. By the time dormmates get to know each other, certain internal rules have been set-up automatically, in additoin to those external rules, so everyone lives happily.

To my particular experience, I don't know whether it's because I'm being self-centered or because my roommate is demanding and controlling, I've always felt my roommate being demanding and controlling.

It seems like I'm complaining but actually, it's good for me to have him acting the way I don't like. I used to be very concerned about his feelings and worrying about the friendship between us, but after moving in with him, not anymore, resulting from the discoveries of a variety of his bad living habits, such as eating in the room, being demanding, having music playing all the time and so on. His perfect image was just completely destroyed by himself and it was sort of a relief of my obsession about him, and this friendship.

Then, I couldn't help but wonder, if all the images will ultimately be destroyed after moving into a closer stage, why move?

Not regretting falling in love

2008-01-09T08:12:00.001-08:00

Not regretting falling in love
- review on Calling You by Otsuichi

200801092052
20:52 Beijing time
Jan 9th, 2008
Shantou, Guangdang, China

If you were given another chance, would you choose not to fall in the love that would be going to break your heart?

Calling You is an old story, that everyone is familiar with. Alone, and at the same time, lonely, as Hirosue was. She met Nosaki, from one-hour-ago, through her imaginary cell phone. They fell in love, then they decided to see each other. As every science fiction fan would've guessed, the moment they met became the death of Nosaki. Then The whole story seemed as an irony to those who don't know science well, who know nothing about time paradox.

However, the exsitance of Yuume makes the piece not only science fiction, but also a love story. Yuume is Hirosue from a-few-years-later. She kept helping Hirosue get used to using the imaginary cell phone, resulting Hirosue's conversations and loves with Nosaki. She knew what was going to happen but she still chose to help herself fall in love, which was going to break her heart. Yuume obeys the physical law of time travel, without thinking about obeying the human law of love. What this story does is combining the two laws, and making love natural. The message protrayed is that love is as natural as time paradox, as gravity, and as everything else in the physical world.

When all the love songs start to make sense, you will know here it comes. When it breaks your heart, you'll swear to God to forget about it. But when your really ask yourself, not surprisingly, the answer is you're still wait for it. That's love.

the only thing worse than being alone is not being alone but feeling lonely

2007-11-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I really miss the place where everyone is considerate, everyone is a good listener, everyone has a brain, everyone is smart and everyone cares about punctuality. And I really miss the person who I used to be, who enjoyed being alone a lot.

He hasn't gotten the point.

2007-11-10T07:49:00.000-08:00

John:

7:00 pm. John got back home, sweet home. He could smell the effort which Natasha had put into her delicious dishes, even though he was extremely tired. A full table of food had been ready there, waiting for him. After a day's hard work, dealing with such a big project, John had been exhausted.

8:00 pm. After enjoying the lovely pasta that Natasha cooked, he went to bed. He was very grateful that he had such a nice wife, who always had everything ready for him to relief his stress, while he was just too tired to say it.

8:05 pm. John made up his mind to tell Natasha how much he appreciates her hard work on housework, as soon as he gets time after finishing the project, falling asleep.

9:30 pm. John shouted "Oh my God!", with his cell phone ringing. It was one of his clients, the one who was in charge of a part of the project.

9:31 pm. Against his interest, John got out of bed, took a deep breathe and forced himself to be energetic because obviously the client had gotten something important to talk to him.

9: 33 pm. John started to talk to the client.

The next day
6 am. John woke up, as usual.

6:10 am. John was brushing his teeth, getting ready for another busy day, when Natasha rushed into the bathroom with tears in her eyes. John was astonished and looked at her in great wonder.

6:12 am. Natasha asked John "Am I just a chief to you?" John said "Of course not!", and gave Natasha a kiss.

7:30 am. "Natasha must've been tired as well, with so much housework.", John talked to himself in his car, heading to an agency for maids.

7:40 am. "I need to hire someone to help with housework." John said to the receptionist of the agency, with a credit card in his hand.

7:50 am. John jumped into his car, started his busy day again.

7:00 pm. On time, John's home, expecting good-smelling food along with a thankful hug or kiss from Natasha.

7:05 pm. The maid gave John an envelop and John opened. It said "Now I'm not even a chief since you've hired one. Goodbye." John looked around the house, and found that Natasha had packed her belongings and moved out.

7:06 pm. John sat on the floor, feeling sad and in great questions: Why did she go?

Natasha:
He didn't even talk to me at the dinner table. I should probably move out. And this post sucks.

I don't even know what he wants.

2007-11-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I went out with Andrew, who was supposed to be the so-called "best friend" of mine, and with whom I'd even once thought I was in homosexual love. On our way he felt tired and he wanted me to say something about his interest that could probably wake him up.

Then I said: a Chanel bag. It didn't work. Then I said: a whitening facial treatment. It didn't work. ... I kept saying things but none of them work. At the end he said "never mind, see? we've been here anyway." But I felt so bad and I think he felt bad as well because I had no idea about what he wanted. Best friend? I don't know what my best friend wants, then do I really know who he is? Do I really know him? Do I deserve to be a friend of his?

God.

addicted to friendships

2007-11-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

I think I'm addicted to friendships recently. I am the kind of person in great lack of love and care and in my sub-concious I would act like I was sick or sad to attract people's attentions so that they can care for me. That's what I think, and I think that's pretty true.

I'd been acting. I'd been acting like sick, and then myself believed that I was sick therefore I really became sick. I did this for others' attention so they could actually come and ask me "Are you OK?" or do something for me, for which I feel so sweet, warm and lovely.

It was my ability to fake my emotion that make me feel disgusted about myself. I think I've been using my mother's having cancer as an excuse to cry in front of Andrew and Daphne so that I can feel their care. I'm so bad!!!

Swear to God, I'm not going to cry in front of them anymore, especially convincing myself to believe that I was sad. How could I have done that? I'm a "total psycho"!

Friends?

2007-11-06T07:19:00.000-08:00

Friends?

(fiction)
2:38 AM Sydney time
October 15, 2007

Today, when Ronny woke up at quarter to nine, he jumped out of bed and quick put on his pants and rushed into the bathroom for a quick shower. He was so afraid of being late for his going-out with two of his best friends, Andrew and Daphne. Actually, sleeping till about 9 o'clock wasn't too much (or too bad) for him because he worked till almost 3 AM on the previous night.
So why was he still going out with his friends in the morning since he had a late shift for work in the last night? Apparently these two friends were so important to him and he's always wanted to have a good time with them. He didn't know why, or since when, these two have become parts of his life. But he didn't care. What he knew is that somehow they had come inside of his heart and he was never going to be able to get rid of them.
Ronny rushed out the house to the bus station, with Daphne. He didn't know what was going on.

Do we all have secrets?

2007-11-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

I have secrets. I have some secrets that no one knows, or just very few people know. The people who know these secrets don't really know me, so I can say that I've some secrets that none of my friends, my families, my teachers, no one in my life knows. And sometimes I'm in doubt: do we all have secrets?
OK. So I have secrets and I actually feel bad about hiding them from my friends. But the thing that I wonder more is: Why do we have secrets? Do we really have secrets? And what may happen if they get published?

Am I being self-centered?

2007-11-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

I've recently been talking to Daphne, saying she is a self-centered and self-important person, and saying that being like her is bad. But actually, I think I'm a too over the top and what I said may have hurt her feeling. But that's not what I'm going to talk about today. The point here is: I think I'm quite self-centered and self-important and I refuse to admit it which made it was. Here're some evidence:

1. I've been saying to Andrew and Daphne that they always ignore what I say, which means I actually want to draw people's attentions.
2. I've been saying that I've been "baby-sitting" Andrew and Daphne. I've been thinking myself so big and so powerful that I can take good care of other people, where the fact may be what I have done is not a big deal at all. I mean, I may think that I've done such and such for Andrew or for Daphne. But for them, what I have done may be nothing, or subtle, or very insignificant.
3. I've been crying in front of Andrew and Daphne and I guess (I'm not sure.) I'm sort of acting like I'm sad due to my mother's having cancer. Maybe because I feel I can trust them , or maybe because I want to draw their attention, I cry in front of them.
4. I put 50 dollars in Andrew's pocket because I thought he might need some extra money for the rest of the month. Then I was thinking about having a plan to let him discover the fact that I put mone into his pocket, and I wanted him to think that I didn't want him to know it was me who had put the money. Does it make sense? I mean I wanted him to know it was me, but I also wanted him to think that I didn't wanted him to know it was me. In this way he may be moved and I can draw his attention again!! And man!!! Even now, when I'm typing entry, I'm thinking about Daphne may be reading this line and then tell him the fact that I put the money!! I'm now feeling so bad!! I mean, how can I do so? It's like have a trap to trap Andrew in! I'm really a bad person.
5. I was gonna say "Admitting being self-centered needs a lot of courage.", which may've implied "I'm amazing because I've just admitted that I'm being self-centered.", where saying this itself makes me more self-centered.
6. If you look at the labels that I have for my blogs, I'm currently having about 20 for "silly ronny" and just about 10 for "andrw" or "daphne".
7. I've been hoping or assuming that Daphne will read my blog and discuss it with me, which means I want her attention. It's just like Othello saying "She loves me because of what I've been through and I love her because she did pity them."
8. I've been asking Daphne "Do you think I'm fake." and hoping her to say "No, I think you're quite real." whereas I'm pretty fake.

I don't know. I guess I AM being self-centered and self-important, and I guess it's because I lack of love and I want to draw people's attention and have people loving me.

Deciding to put some unfinished entries here

2007-11-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

I've actually gotten several entries still writing here. Just in case that I may forget, I'm now going to put them here and then try to finish them as time goes. Therefore if you (well, are there actually any readers of my blog? I don't think so. Maybe Daphne.) are reading my blog in some kind of order, then don't fell strange if suddenly lots of un-accomplished topics appear.

tears

2007-11-06T04:20:00.000-08:00

I've gotten some tears going on recently. But before saying anything, I need to say thank you to two of my dearest friends: Andrew and Daphne, for both of the tears.

Tear #1: my birthday.
This Saturday it was my 18th birthday (sort of), and I totally forgot when the clock hit 12 o'clock on Friday night. I didn't realise that had been my birthday, when I was in the city with Daphne and Andrew. Actually I didn't realise that it had been 12 o'clock due to the next day I was taking my another SAT, which would've counted (if I took it). Then Andrew suddenly headed onto a different direction to where we'd decided to go and we came to this cake shop. We started looking at those cakes in the widraw and I had no idea what was going on. I kept telling them that the cakes were only making us fat and I really wanted them to leave, when Andrew suddenly went into the shop and bought a whole cake. Until then I had absolutely no idea and I totally forgot about my birthday. I said to him: "Why did you buy such a cake when it's been so late?" And he didn't answer me (as usual he ignores what I say).
Then it was the time when Daphne said to the salesperson that we needed candles that I realised the cake might be for me. At the beginning when Daphne said we needed candles, I asked myself "Is anyone's birthday coming?" then I thought of me! Yeah, it was my birthday. And I was totally speachless and I felt like crying.
When we sat down in a McDonald's I asked "Is this cake for me?" and they said yes and I started crying. I was so moved and surprised. And for the very first time I forgot about my weight and had cakes at 1 a.m.. It was the most delicious cake I'd ever had in my life.

Tear #2: my mum has cancer.
It was kind of wierd that on your 18th birthday you got told that the place where you lived 18 years ago is now with a tumor. Yes, my mother told me, on my 18th birthday, that she has uterus cancer. Well that's really no big deal because the doctor can just get rid of it. However, I'm still very worried about my mum anyway. I mean, she's gotten asthma and she's been so weak after giving birth to me and it will be very painful to have an operation like that and.... I don't know, I just worry. Then I've cried several times and each time I was either with Daphne or Andrew. I think I was quite over-relying on them as the sense of secure and reliability that they've given me. I felt that they were my dearest friends and I could cry in front of them without any second thoughts. I could really be me.

So, that's basically it, tears, mother, and friends.

Be good to myself

2007-11-03T05:26:00.001-07:00

Be good to myself

After finishing this entry, I found that I had written something very long, and it's annoying to read. So I summarize the points of this entry here, with the original entry attached at the end. So the points are:
1. I've always been taught to be considerate to others.
2. I've always satisfied myself last.
3. I read "The Secret" yesterday and I decided to treat myself better, due to a sentence: "Do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you?"

Here's the original entry:
Are you treating yourself the way you want other people to treat you?

Am I treating myself the way I want other people to treat me? Certainly not. All my life I've been coached to be considerate to others and myself has always come last. Sometimes I feel bad about this but when it actually happens, I feel that it's just something that I should do: scarifying myself for others.
Yesterday, I went to the city and I read this book called "The Secret" and due to its bad reputation on amazon.com I began to read it with some prejudice, which said that "This is a bad book with which the publisher wanted to make good money." And at the beginning, at the first few chapters, I thought that was completely bullshit, and superstitious. Well, do I actually believe now? No, I don't really think so but the good thing about that book was it gave me a hope that I may get whatever I want, no matter how impossible it may seem like, as long as I believe that what I want is coming to me.
OK, back to the issue. The point of this entry is not really about that book (although I've decided to post this entry as a little review about this, which isn't valid because I haven't finished the book yet.) The point here is a sentence I read from the book: Do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you? It was like a shock, a wake-up call for me and it seemed to have solved all my problem. As my "therapist" (school councilor) said, I was too hard on myself and as Daphne said, I was too "super-me". As I say, I've been to considerate to others. (Well, maybe others don't think so because there seems to be no appreciation for my being considerate but it's not the topic to be discussed today.) So..., the thing is that I've been quite unhappy and I know it's because I've been expecting something that hasn't come. And the disappointment really hurts me. However, probably the reason that what I expected hasn't come is that I didn't want it to come or I didn't believe that it was gonna come or I didn't make any effort for it to come. I think, and more and more believe that the reason why I didn't ask for what I wanted was that if I asked, and it still didn't come, then I would have to face the fact that no one cares about me, and the fact that I have gotten no friends. (Having said that, Daphne had done a great job of being a really good friend to me last night, though I sort of ruined her time for studying. It's weird that I used the word "done a great job of being a really good friend", maybe I should've used "been".)
(I'm actually having a hangover and I have no idea what I'm talking about.) Right, back to the issue again. So...what's the issue? Oh, yeah, I'm not treating myself the way I want other people to treat me. I used to think that put myself first is self-centered and actually when I first met Daphne I didn't like her because she always puts herself first and I thought she was too selfish. (I shouldn't really be typing this comment in the library where anyone may come at any time, but since I'm gonna put this entry online, and everyone will see it anyway). But now I'm sort of "envy" or "jealous" of her that she is able to put herself first, to satisfy herself first, and be happy. It's not only that I don't want to put myself first, but also that after all these years I CAN'T put myself first. Then it became that I CAN'T feel satisfied and I CAN'T feel happy anymore. It's not something that I'm proud of.
Right, I think I'm off topic again. Back to the issue, yet again. If I can't love myself, then how can I give my love to others? I think it's time for me to relax a little bit and start to be considerate to myself. Maybe this action will freak some people out and stop being my friend, but..., yeah, maybe. That's bad, and sad isn't that. But if he or she can't standing me treating myself well, I don't really think he or she is a friend that deserves my love. What I now need to do is just to convince myself that "Ronny is more important than anyone else in the world." and I'll start try to say to my friend about my expectation and I'll start to satisfy myself first. I know due to my nature, it will be difficult, and I'll feel bad after feeling good, but I still think it's worth trying.
I think I have been experiencing an "inner-journey" recently and maybe I'm becoming more and more self-centered. And I think I'm addicted to writing or typing something as now I'm at my recess and I chose to come to the library to continue typing in something, although I don't really have anything special that I want to say. I just want to keep saying, saying, saying, like Mr Luscombe says about the morning pages: keep writing, writing, writing and by the end of the 3rd pages you won't want to stop.

We're so lucky?

2007-11-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

We're so lucky.

(This entry was actually typed by me with Daphne's laptop a few weeks ago.)

Tonight I was discussing our trip to HK with two of my friends and we somehow came to the point that we'd like to have a little get-together apart from being in HK. At first we thought it was meaningless but suddenly I realized that it would probably be the only chance that we could be actually together in our lives (well, except for our normal-boring-school-year-12 life and crazy-expensive-high-risky life in the city).

Life is very short. Things go away before we'd realized that, especially for good stuff. I was expecting more trips like this one to HK with them and I even had thought that it might become an extravagant and stiff routine that just kind of bores me. The truth is, it's probably the only chance, then we're going away from each other, forever, for a life time. Then I couldn't help but wonder, aren't we lucky to have realized this before it actually happens?

So what? So, O.K., it's the only time, probably in our lives, and? Well, nothing more than just maybe a more serious trip plan which turns our good time into a business trip (meeting Dior at 3p.m. and Prada at 3:30 and having to go Yum-Cha and having to eat the most Hong-Kong food etc.) Or maybe it may still remain the same, with a slight sadness being aware of its only-chance value. We may just have the same thing as before we'd realized this, but we could still have a good time. But can fun really be planned?

Yeah, we COULD have a good time, or maybe because it's the only-chance-in-life we SHOULD have a good time and have perfect memory. Then it comes to the point (Sex and the City again!!): Not just to women, to all of us, do we think we COULD enjoy ourselves with ongoing friends, or do we think we SHOULD enjoy ourselves with ongoing friends? And it seems to be more than peer pressure, it seems to be coming from within. How do we distinguish what we COULD do and what we SHOULD do? And COULD we or SHOULD we distinguish that, or just leave it blank?

Are we still lucky with this whole awareness? It just seems more and more understandable to me that knowing less gives you fewer worries, and gives you more fun.

friendship insecurity

2007-11-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

This entry would be one of those that I'd not have posted online. I have swore to myself that I want to put my true self onto this blog, but there are some issues that I would concern, I will have to concern what my readers would think, and I'll have to concern that I may get hurt, or others may get hurt. Today, please forgive me for being selfish. I really would like to put something real here, which may result in someone getting hurt. And I know Daphne or even Andrew will be reading this and they may feel angry or weird, but you know what? I don't care anymore. Today, it's my time. Today, I wanna stop baby-sitting them two. Today, I wanna treat myself better. Maybe I'll delete this entry tomorrow.

Last night, I felt completely lonely and abandoned by the world. I felt like no one cares about me, no one loves me in the world. (Of course I knew that my parents loved me but they are far-far-far-far away in China and I don't want them to know if I don't do well here in Sydney.) And…. OK, back to the issue. I was blamed by Andrew that it was me who should be responsible for his being found skipping classes and I knew he was just kidding but I just couldn't let-go. I felt the sense of grievance because it wasn't really my fault but at the same time I felt so guilty because as that being said, I started to believe that it was sort of my fault. Then I felt that I started to spilt into two people, and I felt really down and unhappy, with a little bit sad and angry, especially at Andrew.

So I decided to go to the city, and I didn't know why I would like to go. (Maybe I just wanted to draw other people's attention and let them ask me "What's going on?" so I could say "I'm mad at Andrew because he blamed me something that wasn't my fault." Or maybe I just wanted to go somewhere full of people and full of physical attractions. Or maybe I just wanted to escape. Or maybe I just wanted to go to the place where I had good times with Andrew and Daphne. Or maybe I just wanted to go with Andrew and Daphne and try to have some fun. Or maybe...) Then I tried to ask Andrew if he wanted to go and in my heart there was a voice saying "please, Andrew, come with me". But of course I would never say so and there was a dinner party, which he had to attend. (What I mean is even if he said he would go, I wouldn't let him go with me. And I would've said that "I wanna be alone.", even though I really would like him to go). And of course, I ended up going to the city alone, which actually made me a little bit sad, but just a little bit.

Then I went to Karaoke and sang for 3 hours and I went to Starbucks and ate a lot of stuff, which I now truly regret, as they must've put weight to me. And I this feeling of loneliness and abandoned started to come to me. Well, that was pretty normal I think because I had just sung karaoke for 3 hours, ALONE. I mean it's normal to feel lonely after being alone for 3 hours, right? Anyway, then when I was on the bus, Daphne called, which cheered me up a little bit. Because I thought finally someone cared about me. So we kept talking to each other and I splat myself into two again: Voice No.1: leave Daphne alone because she has to study and you shouldn't waste her time. Voice No.2: I feel so lonely now and just keep her on the phone. In this way, at least there's someone talking to you. Then I kept her on the phone for about an hour and I said to her that "Well, it's time for you to go to bed. Goodnight." And I hung up. At the moment I hung up the phone, it hurt so much that my tear started to come out. I kept asking myself: What do I have? Why do I have no friends? What do I have, my credit cards? Cool, there lies Ronny, he has 0 friends and 4 credit cards.

So I went to a bus stop, and I just sat there and started to cry like a lunatic. I'll talk about what I was thinking when crying later but then Daphne called again at about 11:30 pm and she asked me "How are you? Are you OK It's time to go home" and my response was "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. OK. " Then I hung up and started to cry again. Then I tried to sleep on the bench in the bus stop but it was extremely uncomfortable. And at about 1am I felt very cold and I went home. And that's basically what happened yesterday. Obviously it didn't end up so well but the thing is that it didn't start quite well either.

OK. Now I'll talk about what I felt. Basically, it was one word: loneliness. I felt abandoned by the world. I felt no one cares about me. I felt no one loves me. I felt so hopeless and helpless. I felt unfair that neither of my friends actually came and rescue me when I wasn't happy, whereas I had always been the first one to love them when anything bad happened to them. OK, that's what I felt at the beginning. That sounds sad enough, right? No! That wasn't what made me sad. What made me sad was what I thought about what I had thought about friends. There was something very very wrong about what I had thought.

1. It was no one's responsibility to love me. I mean, maybe I did have the rights to feel unfair if I believed that I had given my love to them but at the end of the day, I wasn't forced to give them my love and if they didn't give me their love back, it wasn't their fault. It wasn't their jobs. It wasn't their responsibility.

2. Did I actually give them my love? I have been wondering whether I still have the ability to give love. Well, about this, at least I think I have given out my love to them because I did feel hurt and painful when they're not happy. I mean, I used to not care for anyone and no one would really concern me. If I felt hurt and painful when Andrew or Daphne wasn't happy, then I must have really given out love.

3. OK, maybe I have given out love, but maybe my love wasn't helpful to them, or maybe they didn't actually feel my love. That's possible, although that's sad as well. So, I have given out love, so what? Can my love bring Andrew his Chanel bag? Or can my love bring Daphne an admission letter from Princeton? No. What can my love do? Do they really feel my love? How much is my love worth to them?

4. Well, maybe they did feel my love, and maybe that love was valuable to them at some point, so what? I mean, even they feel my love, that doesn't mean they have to give their love back. It is OK to expect some love back from friends but it shouldn't become an obligation, saying that "Hey, friends, I love you and you should love me back!!" Then it wasn't love, it was like money, like a business.

5. Fine. Maybe I did give them love, and they did feel them, and they did value them, and they did try to love me. But I, myself actually have turned my back to their love. Like, when Andrew asked me this morning, "Are you OK?", I said "Yeah, I'm fine." while thinking "No, of course I'm not fine." And like when Daphne asked me through the phone at 11:30 pm last night, "Are you OK?", I said "Yeah, I'm fine" while I should've said "No, I've been here crying for an hour and I feel so lonely and desperate and I would like you to come out and be with me." So, what stopped me? I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to bother them, or maybe I was afraid that if I said I wasn't OK and they would said something that make me realize they didn't really care, they just asked. Or maybe I was afraid that they would run away because I wasn't OK. Or maybe I felt shamed and embarrassed to tell them that I wasn't OK. Or maybe...

I think that's pretty enough, hey? So what was the reason that I wasn’t happy? I was unhappy because there was no excuse for me to be unhappy. All I wanted was just to find something to worry about. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I felt sad, and then I felt there wasn't a reason for me to be sad. Or I felt sad, and then I found that I couldn’t really blame someone. I can't complain because it was my own problem. This is the tricky part because usually if people feel unhappy, they will fine someone or something to blame, or to complain about, then they will feel better. But what happened to me was that I couldn’t find anything or anyone to blame or to complain about, so there wasn't a way for me to feel better.

And to Andrew and Daphne, if unfortunately you're reading this entry, please forgive me to have brought you so many troubles and please understand that I'm not complaining about anything. I mean I love you, and I appreciate that you love me, too. I somehow pushed your love away and I truly regret.

It seems that the only thing in the world that I can blame on is: myself.

Ebony: I don't wanna be here

2007-10-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

Ebony: I don't wanna be here
ANTM cycle 9, recycling photoshots

11:11 p.m. Sydney time
Friday, October 26, 2007

Having watched Episode 6 of Cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model, I was totally astonished, and a little bit sad, and maybe a little bit angry. Ebony, the buttom-two survivor said: Sorry, Tyra, I don't wanna be here. Then she left and Anbreal got another chance to show her strength in modeling.

First of all, I have to say that I desparatly am in doubt that the producers planned this, otherwise it wouldn't be so dramatic. This could be a really good selling point which may resure ANTM from its stiff destiny. I'm wondering if it was true and from the bottom of my heart I hope that WAS TRUE because certainly I don't want to find myself have watched 8 and half cycles of fake stories.

Then let's go back to Ebony. Look at her vedio, No. 783? Look at those passions that she had and where is that passion now? Being homesick? Excuse! And I think the Ebony situation is sadder than Brittany in cycle 8 (Jaslene: Brittany, why do you have to make up so many excuses to make yourself so bad? Cycle 8). I mean Brittany made up excuses for others to forgive her doing badly in modeling, but Ebony made up excuses for herself to forgive herself not taking in control of her own career, and perhaps her own life. I don't know if it was good but it happens and it happens. What I can say is that I hope Ebony had thought through about it and she was sure that was a right decision. I hope that quitting was what she wanted.

As Tyra says, a free pass has been given to who those really want this. If modeling (with critizes) wasn't what Ebony wanted, then the chance should be given to Ambreal. Ambreal really wants it and I think she deserves it. She certainly didn't do well in the photoshoots but it was her passion (not Ebony) that gave her the position.

Having said that, I still don't think Ambreal should have been selected to send home either. I mean let's look back to Natasha in cycle 8. She didn't do well in the aboriginal photoshoots because she was sick and Tyra said this ANTM was not about having a bad photo and being sent home, but it is about the potential. It's called America's NEXT top model, not "the CURRENT SUPERMODEL". People make mistakes and Ambreal did so well previously which proves that she does have that potential. Why did the judges decided to send her home? It just doesn't make sense to me.

It's so my problem

2007-10-26T05:17:00.001-07:00

It's so my problem.

10:08 p.m. Sydney time Friday, October 26, 2007

Yesterday was really a bad day for me and it sort of screwed half of today as well. Daphne was angry at me because she thought I treated Andrew better than I treated her and when I called Andrew in the evening he said he was angry at me because he thought I treated Daphne better than I treated him. Good!

Then I told him that Daphne was mad at me because she was jealous of me treating Andrew better than I treated her. Andrew's reply was: that's your problem. Great! It's my problem! It's so MY problem. So, what am I supposed to do? Create or find an opportunity to show Andrew that I'm treating him better than I treating anyone else then get another opportunity to show Daphne that I'm treating her the best, comparing to anyone else? And then I end up finding myself dying (in 60 years) having acting all my life instead of living and enjoying my life and my friendships? What a pile of bull? (Emily, the Devil wears Prada)

I mean I don't want to plan, expect and act my life, I wanna live my life. And another question is when have I started baby sitting them two. Man, it seems that the only person in the world that I don't care about is myself! What should I do?

ANTM cycle 9 makeover: sucks

2007-10-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was extremely disappointed by the makeover in cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model. There was just nothing exciting. The new hair styles are dull and they either are long blond or are as short as nothing, as they've always been in ANTMs. And they just love to make the girls cry, like in every season there must be some tears to show. The photoshoots after the make over were so similar with the ones in cycle 8 but the colors were disgusting. I knew they wanted to deliver some environmentally friendly information but they were just not fashionable at all, like no fashion at all. Lastly, it was just scarying to see Ebony's skin getting off, and see Bianca's (if I remember the name correctly) hair gotten hurt.
Well, there was something new. Heather didn't get really changed but it wasn't really a surprise. I mean it would be an idiot to decide to change Heather's hair style. So, really, nothing exciting.
It sucked.

book review of Sex and the City: More Fabulous than Expected

2007-10-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

Book Review: Sex and the City
More Fabulous than expected

by Ronny
4:06p.m. Sydney time
Saturday, October 13, 2007

After viewing the HBO version of Sex and the City, I fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker. The funny, sexy and intelligent Carrie has always been attracting people's focus. Before reading the original book, I was afraid that I might be disappointed because the HBO version is so fabulous and the book may seems to be too "2-dimensional". Well, the truth is, the original book is as fabulous as the TV series. It's hard to say which one is better, but one thing that I'm sure is: they are both great.
If you are expecting to see the similar story, in which Carrie is a columnist, Samantha Jones runs a P.R. company, Miranda works as a lawyer and a mother and Charlotte sells art pieces, then you'll be disappointed, or, maybe be surprised. In the book, almost none of the character is similar to the TV series. Personally I think the closest one is Stanford, who writes screen-script. And of course, he's gay and he's with someone. Besides, the whole story is different. The last sentence of the book is " Mr. Big is happily married. Carrie is happily single." It was simple but beautiful, and it made me cry.
As excellent as the HBO one, the author, Candace Bushnell, does have a talent of humor and it was just so entertaining to read the book. Having said that, the brilliant language can't cover the deep meaning and thinking about love, sex and relationships. These thoughts are just like what Charlotte says: core shaking. Is there anything better in the world than such a book that shakes your core and entertains you at the same time? The language makes you laugh, and the story makes you cry, and think. It's funny to see someone laughing and crying at the same time, but if you read Sex and the City, it's just normal.
Before finishing the whole book, my attitude was "this book is tiring to read" because all these talks and stories happen just in an afternoon and it's exhausted to read all of them. Just a little bit sick of them, comparing to an episode a week of Sex and the City. I felt tired until my tear started to come out of my eyes at the end. It's not just a book, or a TV series. It's classical, and more importantly, it's fabulous.

my SAT is 5 hours away

2007-10-05T07:00:00.001-07:00

This is so cool that I'm with this MacBook, like the one that Carrie in Sex and the City owns. However, things are going so well tomorrow because I'm totally not ready for my SAT, which is just 5 hours away. Jesus!!!

I was watching YouTube and throughout the week I went to the city again and again. Wow!! That's pretty cool, hey? Enjoy my social life with friends!! No, that sucks. I wanna prepare for the test. Or, maybe I should say I wanna have prepared, or have been prepared for the test. Apparently what I want one more time doesn't become what I have.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and why I'm doing whatever I'm doing at this moment. Just like writing an angry e-mail to myself. (Harry: How much more can we take, Ha!?) God, and how much more can I take?

Am I going to publish this rubbish "diary" to my spotblog? I don't know, maybe!! Maybe I shouldn't go to the test tomorrow. Anyway, let's see. (I'm so scared!!)

book review of Skinny Bitch: Interesting but not practical

2007-10-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

Skinny Bitch
Book Review: Interesting but not practical

Sydney Time 23:43
October 2nd, 2007

[Name] Skinny Bitch
[Author] Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin
[Publication] running press: Philadelphia London
[Time] 2005

I've been thinking about writing a book review about this "Skinny Bitch" book, but as I have never written a book review in English before, I read a couple from amazon.com. Well, some say that this is a life-changing book. I agree because if you follow the book, your life will be completely changed into a wrong direction. Some say they want a refund, which is basically what I'm going to say here today.
First of all, I have to say that this book is interesting, especially its language. They used the language that normal socially respected people would never use in public. However, the content, the opinions are just not practical, and even harmful.
The message that this book is giving is: Anything about animals is bad! Besides normal weight-losing point, such as sugar-free and NaCl(salt)-free, they want our food to be animal-free. And this "animal-free" is not as simple as "don't eat meat", but it is meat-free, diary-free, and egg-free. Basically anything about animals is bad. This point of view is too one-side, too extreme. For example, they say alcohol can affect unborn baby therefore artificial food for chicken can affect eggs. Well, this seems quite logical but you think about what our grass eats and what our vegetables eat. They eat animal poops! So anything in this world is uneatable and what we should do is to kill ourselves now. By the way, are chicken being fed those artificial stuff? I don't know. And is the food really going to affect the eggs? I have no idea.
I guess what I'm trying to say is the message from this book is a little bit dangerous. Despite the scary fact about the U.S. government's involving in the food industry, the "Skinny Bitch" life-style may be scientifically proven wrong. I'm no scientist but these extreme views can be harmful to followers. I'm not the writers but I guess maybe they wanted the point to be extreme so the other points of view can bring the whole attitude back to an appropriate position.
Anyway, my point is, the language (we've gotten "f***" everywhere) is interesting, but the lifestyle is just not practical. Why is it bestsellers? One, it's because of its language. Two, it's because of all these reviews, including the one you're reading.

Which One is ME?

2007-10-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

Which One is ME?

Sydney Time 22:44
October 2nd, 2007

Last night, I went out with two of my friends. It didn't end up so well that none of us (well, neither of them) was happy or excited when we came back. They love to show their temper immediately without any decoration and apparently something happened (maybe I did something wrong) which ripped them off.
Anyway, that's not the point. It was how I reacted that made me confused. I used to be very considerable and my temper was hidden so well that even I didn't think I was able to be angry. I had always been the person to satisfy everyone (except myself) and try to bring some fun back to he crowd. Anger seemed never to have occupied any space in my heart, or mind, or soul. Yeah, you may have gotten the idea - anger was just not in my dictionary. Last night, at the beginning I was still trying to make them happy and bring the fun back. At least, I wanted them to talk to each other, or talk to me. However, after I tried several minutes, I suddenly felt that I was exhausted and I hated doing so. I mean why should I always be the person without bad temper? Why should I always be looking after others? It wasn't my responsibility anyway. Then I started to show my dissatisfaction because I wanted to be real, I wanted to be my true-self. I kept telling myself that I had the rights to show my personality to whoever they were. Anger was just bursting out.
After doing this, I felt better. I felt refreshed and released. Then I started to feel guilty. I should never have done that. What I should have done was keeping trying to make them laugh or talk. I couldn't help but wonder: which one is me, the real me?
Being considerable is certainly me. I hate seeing people, especially my friends, being unhappy and down. And I've always thought that it's kind of MY RESPONSIBILITY to solve whatever problem occurs and make it as painless as possible to them. I rather scarify myself to get them happiness. But apparently by doing so, my anger has to be very well hidden and as time goes I may lose the ability to be angry. So is this the real me?
Or would it be like last night, showing all my emotions off? I knew they were going to worry and be even unhappier if I stopped talking and making noise, but I didn't care anymore. My real emotions have to be expresses somehow and this seems to be more "REAL ME". However, why I felt guilty? And if my nature is being considerable to others, is this still me?
Does "being considerable" have to be in conflict with "real personality"? Can I get both?

The Memory Project

2007-09-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

The Memory Project
from Psychologies (UK), August 2007

by Ronny CHEN

I.Recovering childhood and early memories

1.Can you remember an early birthday party? Who was there? What did you eat? What did you play?
I can't remember what age I was for my earliest birthday party. I remembered that there were my father, my mother and I. We had a cake, very sweet, white cake. I think it was made from raw sugar. I am not sure but there might be some candles burning. But it was quite dark. My parents sang me the Happy Birthday song and I am not sure if there were any presents.

2.Can you recall teachers, particularly from early primary school? Did you get along with them?
Yes I have a strong image of my kindergarten teacher. Her name is Chen Xiao Qing, and I did get along with her. Apart from her I can remember some other teacher's faces but I can't recall their names, but I think I did get along with most of the kindergarten teachers. In the early primary school, I can recall the two teachers from the two major subjects. They were Ms Yin and Ms Pan. I didn't get along with them.
Ms Yin actually abused me (slapped me in front of the class) because she thought I damaged one of my classmates' exercise book, which I didn't commit. I'm not sure but I don't think I felt shame at that time but I did feel fear of her. Ms Pan was, in my opinion, very tough and had a bad temper and I didn't like her math lessons at all. I could still recall some other teachers' faces but not their names, such as my music teacher, my science teacher, and my computer teacher.

3.What kind of holidays did your family take? Can you think of a special one? Where did you go?
Yes I can still think of the holidays during one of the Chinese Festivals when we went back to where my grandfather was born. It was quite far away from our city. It was a little town called “Huazhou” and we met my grandfather's brother and his whole family. I was very little but I did have fun there.

4.Can you remember the day you leaned to ride a bike? What happened?
Yes I remember the days. I think it was more than one day or, more than one times. My father bought me a small blue bicycle and I tried to learn to ride it. It was a 4 wheel bicycle and I remember my father held the bike for me at the beginning, so I could keep the balance. Then he released his hand and I could keep the balance by myself with the help of the 2 extra wheels. I can't remember whether I fell or not. But I definitely fell down when the 2 extra wheels were removed. I don't think I felt bad when I fell because I knew I was making a progress at that time, even though I was very little.

5.What about Christmas time? Can you remember special present you received?
In my culture, we don't really celebrate Christmas. Let's talk about Chinese New Year. During Chinese New Years, older people give younger people some “lucky money”, and families get together to have a meal. It was very sweet and very exciting. I can't recall the first time when I received money but I did look forward to Chinese New Year because of the lucky money at some point. Of course, I don't look forward to money anymore now.
If you want to talk about Christmas, that's fine. In my earliest memory Christmas was just a holiday during which we sent Christmas cards to our friends. It didn't really mean anything to us but just get those cards. And the only Christmas present that I received, in my memory, should be a file-folder given my two of my friends when I was 16.

6.What did your family do for fun? Can you remember any special picnics or other kinds of outings?
I can't remember exactly. But I can think of several trips to the park. But what I could remember clearly was the time when my house was re-decorated and I helped to clean the house when the decoration was finished. I had fun and after cleaning we sat in a circle and just chat to each other.
Obviously the most fun we had was watching television together.

7.What did you do at bedtime when you were little? Can you think of any special types of incidents?
I imaged sex. Yes, when I was little I usually imaged sex and played with my penis. I did feel good when my penis was touched. When sometimes I slept with my cousin, I would think of ways to let him touch my penis and I did feel good as well.
Now, I feel shame. It shouldn't be a surprise.

8.Try to take an imaginary walk through the house(s) where you lived as a child. Did your family move much? It's good to associate memories with historical events – moving, first of at school, etc.
No we didn't move that much. I was born in hospital and after I left hospital we lived in our grandparents' house. But I had no memory when we lived there. My earliest memory about accommodation was that house, where I grew up. I can still remember the kitchen, through which I could watch the outside. I can still recall the image of the poor decorated bedroom where I slept with my parents.
Well, as I said above, we re-decorated our apartment when I was about 5 to 10 (I'm really not sure). At the beginning I was excited about it but I actually didn't like the new decoration after living in the “new decorated home” for a while. When I was 13, we moved again to our current house, where my parents are now living.

9.What were your favorite TV shows?
I'm not sure but the TV shows that I can recall now, which were seen by me when I was little, mainly include two parts: cartoons and kid's shows.
The cartoons that I watched were mainly from Japan, such as the Dragon Fighter, the Dragon Ball, Beauty Fighter, Dragon Heroes, Magic Sakura, Wedding-dressed Angels, Sakura's family etc.
The kid's shows that I watched were mainly from Hong Kong, such as Lightening Faxing, the Best Little Men, etc.

10.What did you dream of becoming when you grew up?
I dreamt of becoming a taxi driver when I was young. And when I grew up a little bit, I dreamt of becoming a teacher, teaching math. Actually, it's still my strongest dream and I think I'll portraying teaching as a career.
Well, having said that, this “dream” stuffs maybe a source or a result of insecurity. Because now I'm not sure what I will be in the future and this “teaching math” may be just an excuse to escape those questions like “What do you want to be?” I don't know why but somehow “having a dream” became sort of a responsibility in my opinion and if I don't have a dream, I'll feel shamed and embarrassed. So I set this “teaching math” as a dream. But do I really want to be a math teacher, or a taxi driver, or a public speaker, or a makeup artist, or a broadcast DJ, or a fashion designer, or a model, or a writer, or a professor, or a househusband, or a scientist, or a businessman, or an accountant, etc. What do I want to be? I have no idea.

II.Finding self-defining memories
Write down 2 or 3 self-defining memories, or say important memories, which are at least 1 year old. Then rank them.
Answer: I can't really find more than 1 self-defining moments and the only one that I can come up with now, it exactly 1 year old today. It was 365 days ago, when I wore my middle school uniform in my high school. My high school didn't require us to wear uniform and basically other school's uniforms were allowed there. But as that day was the anniversary of the foundation of my middle school, many of the students graduated from my middle school had worn the middle school uniform the night before in honor of the middle school. The teachers in the high school saw that and thought that they were going to do something wrong as they unified to wear something similar (middle school uniform). So the teachers forced them to get changed and said to them clearly that not to wear the middle school uniform on the next day. Unfortunately I wasn't there and I didn't know the limitation.
So the next day I wore the middle school uniform, and I was the only one who did that. The teacher was very angry because he thought I purposely went against him. He tried to embarrass me in front of the whole school and shouted at me on the playground after the school was released. Well, I did feel shame at that time but it wasn't very strong.
The reason that I choose this as a self-defining memory can be seen from the following feelings:
1.Embarrassment: I felt embarrassed to be pointed out in front of the whole school.
2.Anger: I didn't know that limitation beforehand; otherwise I wouldn't have done so.
This may be a conflict or an unsolved issue in my life. I didn't think it would be such a big deal in my memory. I thought I would have forgotten it by now. But apparently I was wrong because I can still remember this.
I'm really not sure about more self-defining memories. I won several awards, which were very significant in my region in China. But the honor of getting award in front of everybody was not important to me at all. I don't really feel happy after getting academic achievements.

III.Finding meaning in your memories
My self-defining memory has taught me that in the society of China, you can't do anything that seems against the leaders. They absolutely have the power to wipe you out even if you have a huge reason or even if they're against the rules. They write the rules basically.

New Blog

2007-09-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

New Blog

Sydney Time 15:42
September 29, 2007

I referred the domain into this new blog today and hopefully not many people are going to visit here. This "blogspot" website has been quite private during all these days. The only place that I leave it associate with me is the MIT admission website. But now, it's changed. My friends can come here via the convenient domain displayed on my QQ and more about me will be known and discovered.
Having keeping it so private, I have kept this blog as real and as close to me as possible. We all have secret but I don't want to be one of "we". What I want is to put my real personality here. Hopefully I can continue doing this after uncovering this site, and without being hurt.
Yes, I'm afraid of being hurt and I wonder who isn't. I am not sure who is going to hurt me and how I'll be hurt by putting the real me online, but there is such a possibility. Well, maybe the fact is I'm just being self-important. I mean who cares I used to play with my penis when I was little. If no one cares about me, should I be happy, or sad?
I've been doing some self-exploring program recently and they really help. I'm more humanized than I used to be and I really feel myself as a person, not a machine. Hopefully I'll be able to talk about something really confidential after this site is visited, such as ..., not now.

When Books Become Possessions

2007-09-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

When Books Become Possessions

Sydney Time 22:34
September 23, 2007

Books, magazines and newspapers used to be the only source of information. Now we've gotten TV, radio and most deadly, Internet. Nothing seems to be any longer worth storing. There used to be a time when people were judged by their skin color. Then it came to the time when people where judged by their cars, clothing and bank accounts. Now fortunately it at least seems to be a time when people are judged by the number of books they've read.
I don't know when but I have a habit of making my house a shop. I got clothing and shoes such as Nike, Adidas and Converse delivered to my house in China at the beginning of every season. I got over 20,000 printed products including books, magazines and newspapers stored in my house in China. Now, this habit starts to come up again. Money is no more the expensive and unaffordable “Australian Dollars” to me. I subscribed the New Yorker and Scientific American a week ago for the whole year, being definitely sure that I won't have time or the mood to read all of them.
Well, since it gets to this point, it's not about money, but it's about books. I bought 2 books 2 days ago and I haven't finished any of them. Then I bought 3 more today and luckily one of them has been started. The bookshop, which I'm living in, starts to be built again. Not mentioning anything about money, I feel a little bit guilty. To magazines and newspaper I have quite a complex emotion: love and hate. Effort and time ARE put to them but as they come up regularly, they can't just be fantastic all the time. But to books, it's more pure and clear that I love them, but the love seems to have been expressed in an incorrect way.
Loving a book doesn't mean to own it and have it on the shelf (or on the floor because I don't have a shelf in Sydney). Loving books doesn't mean to make the accommodation a bookstore, or a museum. I know that I love being living among these printed freaks but it's just not right! The word “book” has always had a perfect partner, “read”. Yes, we READ books to love books not OWN books to love books and I should have been doing so. Throwing a new book to the hill of “waiting to be read” books doesn't mean I love books.
Well, what has been said as “wrong” is exactly what I have been doing for the past 18 years. Why am I doing so? Am I being the rich person who is not really into books but is trying to make myself into books? If I am lying, who am I lying to? Is it my parents, my guests, my teachers, my friends, or, myself? I wouldn't like to admit that I'm lying to myself but really this time, I would say I AM NOT LYING. I do enjoy reading and refreshing my mind book by book.
So what's next possibility? Why am I doing this? Am I just being a person who can't wait to show my wealth? No. Don't be silly! I'm not wealthy at all. The person, or people, who can really be said as wealthy is my parents! Why would I ever bother to do this?
Having explored so deep, I would happily like to admit that this is due to insecurity. But what insecurity is it? What am I afraid of? I really don't know. Maybe I'm afraid of the sense of having nothing. Maybe I'm afraid of feeling empty. Maybe I feel lack of love in my life and I need these possessions to fill me up. This will be a very interesting topic to mention to my future therapist.
Another possibility can be my inability to decide which books to buy and read so I bought them all and started to build this kingdom of books. As time went, it became a habit, a big bad habit.
Well, who knows? By writing this, I don't mean to change the way I live. I know I am going to continue doing this, buying and owning books instead of carefully reading them. But at least I know there is a problem here and though it's not big deal, it may be still fixed later on, which will be really great.
Try? Not now, not for me now!

Life is too short

2007-08-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Having typied in this title, I don't really know what I want to write in this entry. It's 2 a.m. in Sydney, Australia. It's exactly 0 a.m. in China. And I am doing things that I shouldn't be doing. I've gotten heaps of homework to hand in tomorrow and it's 2 a.m. now.

My dream, yeah, it's like just a dream. MIT, is a university that everyone wants to be in. I start wonder why should I be picked. What if I fail and what can I do. Who am I in this world?

Life is too short. Life is too short for SAT, for TOEFL, for learning calculas, for linear algebra. Life is too short for MIT, for earning money, for having sex, for traveling around the world. Life is too short for life itself.

What am I gonna do? I've gotten heaps of things listed:
SAT reasoning
SAT math level 2
SAT chemistry
SAT physics
TOEFL
GRE mathematics
AP calculas
MIT P.S.
Recommendation
blablablabla....

But just for tonight, from 2am to 6am, I'll have to finish other things like Othello character analysis, like 4 chemistry practical reports and like thousand of exercises about math. I wonder if I'm gonna make it. And I wonder if I can't even finish my homework during the weekend, how am I gonna be able to make myself selected into MIT?

Why me?

Become a leader?

2007-06-19T04:15:00.000-07:00

Today I had a leadership interview at lunch time, which gave us a chance to really talk to the principle of the school, and more importantly, to get her know us. In the interview, I really got to think about taking these responsibilities, each kind of consequences and opportunities.

Telling the truth, leadership is something that I think I'm lacking 'cause I didn't grab any chances to be leading, which I should have. Panicking or being nervous are still things that I'm trying to get rid of. (I was gonna blame China and the Chinese educational system, which would be "This is definitely not surprising 'cause I'm from China." But good on me that I didn't say so 'cause it would be so unfair!!)

Well, then take them. Since that's the thing that you're lacking, take it! But here's the thing. Having known that I lack what are required to be a leader, won't being a leader be selfish? In other words, I'm pretty sure that I haven't gotten the abilities to do this, and if I'm still doing it instead of giving it to someone else, am not I being selfish? This sounds quite unconfident which is not like me, but this is the truth!

Should I take this chance to challenge myself, or just give up and leave the school alone? Maybe I should just be trying to get it, and if I really get it, do it. Go for it!

p.s. Perhaps this will also be a good chance to examine myself about my passion - will I sick of being a leader?

Am I sick of everything?

2007-06-18T04:25:00.000-07:00

I work in McDonald's in Sydney, which is actually a pretty good job. Of course, it's tiring, sometimes even exhausting to work in a resturant, especially when it turns up as a popular one. I did enjoy working there at the first place, and it was beyond description when I first got the money from the bank.

Having said that, now I'm still working there and work as the most energetical person, at least one of them. However, I found things go down. It seems that it's been more and more boring to me. I've lost those excitments and senses of joy as sources of energy. I would be mentally avoiding it at times. In other words, I've been sick of it.

Then I started to think, hopefully I've thought about this deeply. I realized that working at McDonald's is not the only thing that I've become sick of. I'm sick of speaking Chinese, sick of doing geometry, sick of calculations, sick of sports, even sick of math! You may not know how serious it is for me to admit being sick of math, but being sick of math is actually meaning that there's nothing in this world that I am not sick of!

Where's all my passion gone? Am I sick of everything? And more importantly, if I am, will there ever be any chances for me to succeed?

We are all amazing!

2007-06-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

Having finished watching cycle 8 of the America's Next Top Model, I have seen so many girls running after their dreams. They have gotten so much potential and have put in so much hard work, but unfortunately only one of them is named the winner.

It happens to be the time of the Chinese University-entrance tests - please allow me to call it the Chinese SAT. You may happen to know that in China, the tests are just like hell. Thousands of people are gonna be looked better than you if you make a little tiny mistake. There is going to be millions of losers - if you'd say so.

However, going through the process itself has made us amazing, which is usually ignored. Just like the girls in America's Next Top Model, and like those students who have taken the Chinese SAT, all of us have been working and trying and hoping, we've been through these processes. Of course sadness is definitely coming after knowing that yourself fail, but looking back, you should be able to see those amazing things that you've done and just please be proud of yourself!

I guess what I'm trying to say is whether we're thought as loser or not dosen't matter, the thing that really matters is whether you are able to discover yourself amazing and start to work again. Otherwise, if you can't think you're amazing, who will?

p.s. If you win, congratulations!

sick of KFC

2007-06-15T03:36:00.000-07:00

I was astonished when I first stepped into the KFC kitchen, which was extremely dirty and smelly. Man! I mean this is only supposed to be seen in China! I just pray that the KFCs in the US aren't gonna like that!

p.s. the sydney McDonald's are the places to be!

about ANTM8

2007-06-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

I have been watching America's Next Top Model since cycle 1. In cycle 8, my favorite Sarah left early, which really surprised me. Well, the winner ChaCha isn't bad. The thing is, to Natasha and Renee, I really think they deserve to be called "top models", too.